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31 December 2014

What I Want to Tell You

You are the greatest poem I could have found.
You are a sunset bathed in purple, a prayer of longing across the sky.
You are the sound of rain against my window, and I’m afraid you forget it.

Here’s what I want to tell you: I know you’re afraid.
I know you’re wading through the solid chaos of a life,
Impatient and unsure, blundering through darkness,
And I know you’re disillusioned, and I know you hate it.
Baby, that’s all of us.

What I want you to know, really, is that it doesn’t get better.
Life is always going to be callous, and strange, and so unbearably short,
And so terribly long. And what I want to tell you,
Is that we’ve got one chance at this. A single shot,
And that should scare me, but it doesn’t anymore. It gives me goosebumps.
It excites me, and I want it to excite you. We’ve got one shot to live this.

There’s very little formula to it, actually.
All you can do is wake up in the morning and go to bed at night,
Drink chai on crisp winter days, buy new shoes when they wear out.
But I want you to be content, not with washed-out days and tentative nights,
I want you never to postpone a date or sleep through a meteor shower,
Numb yourself to pain or think of taxes. You’ll be fine.
I want you to watch the stars even when you need to rush,
Sleep in on a Monday after watching a Sunday sunrise, always
Get wet in the rain. Be a desert of thirst. Always ask for more.
I know you’re afraid, and I want you to be okay with that. I want you
To fall in love a hundred times (even if it’s not always with me),
And I want you to fail, at least at ninety-nine of those. I want you
To have the courage to let yourself hurt.

I want you to talk to the moon when you’re alone. To never take beauty for granted.
To laugh at yourself, every day, and yet be goddamn proud of yourself.
I want you to be as kind as you are, but I want you to watch out for yourself, man.
It’s okay to screw up. It’s okay to get lost, to spend a day in traffic,
To have made a mistake. Forgive yourself. I want you always to forgive yourself.
It’s okay, as long as you take life by the collar, and promise me to live the hell out of it.

I want you to feel this in the small of your back, rising up your spine
Like truth. Like a winter chill, or like joy.
I want to tell you more than a flimsy paper can hold,
More than a midnight conversation can possibly balance in itself.
I want you to be responsible and sensitive and have the balls to walk alone
If everybody who walks around you is an asshole. I want you to do the right thing
Even when it’s the toughest thing to do. I want you to smile at strangers.
I want you to go on a thousand road trips, to have a thousand sleepless nights.
I want you to get drunk even when you have a job interview the next day,
And I want you to shrug your shoulders if you break your phone. I want you
To know what’s important, to love people even when they’re broken and lost,
To love yourself. I want you to get lost in a forest, to read under a streetlight,
And get on a train without knowing where the hell it goes. I want you to feel
Like you’ve made something of yourself. Like you’ve grown, like you have
An ocean-full of memories for every drop that you’ve decided to live through.
Rumi once told me, with shining eyes, to let the beauty I love be what I do.
Damn right I will, man. And that’s all I wish for you too.

I want to tell you to defy all the pain in the world.
Screw history. Screw philosophy. Screw law. And screw your fears.
For god’s sake, be happy. Live the hell out of this life.

11 December 2014

A little void.

I’m afraid I don't have the right words anymore.

I feel it all so fully, so intensely, with every pore of myself. Every moment that passes me by, I reach out with stretched fingertip, aching to trace its veins, its rivers, its endless blue sky.

Oh, cruel irony, that forces me on. 
Oh, helplessness settled at the nape of my neck.
I want to have the right words. 
I want to hold on. I want to know I am living well.
I am afraid to know the truth. I am afraid to die. 

I am afraid to live.

I’m a little lost, and I've been here before, and I will be here again. I know it is alright, because I have been submerged before, and I have risen every time, hair thrown back with salty spray and dripping face panting at the sun. I manage to make myself proud, day after day, even when I think I will not be able to. The world makes me proud. The sky is a reason I have for going on. Red leaves on a winter afternoon. I live for little stories, round stones, dog-eared books and smiles. I search for beauty, and it sustains me.

I’m afraid of someday not swimming back up. I’m afraid of the quicksand at the bottom of the ocean, the helplessness that can escape from deep corners of myself to fill up the seas and skies, the space and the voids.