here

where I am now, it is fall. I am feeling full with so many lives, old and new, jostling against each other. there is too much to make sense of, and no time to do it in -- time wants different things from me, wants me to make and read and move swiftly, slicing through the viscous air;

                                   I cannot do it though, I plan and plan but do not know where the time goes, I inch viscously through air and arrive at the same places again, try to gather moments and maple leaves, count the colours the trees are exploding in (carmine, blood blush, ochre, terracotta, lime, chartreuse, gold), get work done in time even though it is work that gets done outside of time.

I am happy to be here. slowly I will move the right way. now that poems are real work, it is hard to share them here for the quick slick sharing of the internet. I want to hold on now to the poems, stay with them, comb them and sand them, share them with all the gentle people around who read them kindly, and work on them until they shine (in blood blush, gold).

                                   here are some words if you are here for the words. some days I will end up writing here, sharing some strange pale fragment of my life that fits nowhere else. if you are somewhere, across a sea, you can hear me. hold me kindly. I am trying to learn and be 

Half-here

I am only half-here, arms straining with the wait for newness that is on it's way but not yet here, arriving, arriving. It is this aching wait that is worth it, once one is thrown into newness there is only the living to do, no straining no aching for a slick life to arrive. This summer was the strangest transit time; but I feel as if I have been in transit for the last year and a half, with the applications and then the knowledge of change that is imminent. I will be glad for this transit to be over.

B-pa died. I am trying to write about it because I do not know what else to do. Other minutes, I am working on various art things with a zeal that eluded me for many months. Perhaps it is desperation. But at least what felt like numbness for so many months is now shifting into feeling, feeling knifing into my eyes or dribbling down my neck, but feeling nonetheless: feeling that bubbles into words or images in my hands, that I can craft or let breathe or vomit out. It still comes as a shock sometimes, the deep way in which living is connected to making for me. It comes easy as air. I must write, I must draw, I must make, and in turn it saves me from the hardest days, from the long deserts and ravines of the restless mind. I am thankful.

note if you wanna be a writer and a reader

if you wanna be a writer or a reader you're gonna have to figure out how to stay still. how to breathe in real deep and zoom the heck in, to sit for hours in narrow light or wide light and do only that one thing at a time, to not fucking scroll, to not want to run away.

yes there is space for the aleatory for the angled birds for the pipe of light for the cinnamon smell. but there is no space for a head that cannot stay, that wants to pull so much marrow out of every moment that it must inhabit many at once. no. stay here with the thing even if it is hard. know that the world wants you to glance away quickly, to be flitting, to bang against glass and then the ground, to forget all. but you want to be a moth instead, the madness and the flaming desire of the moth, to know there is limited time but we will flutter at the light with all our might. stay here in this moment if it is silly. stretch your legs even if it hurts. don't smoke and laugh every evening into a slick night. it is a good thing to work. there can be love and peace and pause and promise all within the work. don't always take what comes easy - be kind to the self, kinder than all the world, love the self hard and wildly and through all the difficult days, but PUSH push gently push quietly push warmly keep pushing you are working and living and loving well but there is always a long way to go. be slow. watch a lot. read so you lose what keeps you sturdy. when you are unsturdied and tender-boned, write.  

spring

all over, the bougainvilleas are in bloom. bursting open like white clouds, or like innards, the most vivid pink. I wonder if the bougainvilleas in my house are blooming, even though b-ma is dead and b-pa is sick and everything seems different.