April 13 : Oceans

I know it looks like I'm here,
dealing with my life.
But really,
I'm far away
I'm quite alone
in a distant blue bay.

My toes are blue
(but my feet are beautiful)
my hair flutters gently
(so silky, so long)
around my body
(so perfect in the blue).

The water is still
as I float. Empty.
There is beauty
somewhere here
I have known it before
seen the reefs and the fish
the smooth rocks
I have seen the underwater
in all it's glory and color
I have known the weeds
counted the leaves
exotic and majestic
the starfish and the shells
to the great grey whales
the purple sunsets
with wine-haired mermaids
and white backed gulls
I have known the beauties.

But today
beauty perhaps
(for once)
will not suffice.

Today I want no color
(just the endless blue of wavering dreams)
no fish (no life at all), no rocks.
I want only fluttering sand below me
and everywhere else, undulating blue
(today, I'd say, I don't even want you).
I will float
(half-conscious and numb)
I will float
(a flying rag-doll, so mum)
I will float
in the oceans
of my sad finite soul
(I try so hard to put away
the mountains of my
infinite wild heart
for today, just for today).

And today I don't want to find anything
in this sea (not you and not me),
today I perhaps simply want
to lose myself for a little while
in the gentle rocking rhythm
of this serene unending ocean.
Perhaps I need it.