chaotic office of my brain

After a good day off work, a little note for a future self: 

I'm trying so hard recently to be able to make new rituals, new practices of engaging with myself & with the world, new patterns of behaviour and neuron-pathways. Often it means doing something that grates a little when I try to do it at first -- pushing against a boundary of comfort -- something I wouldn't have expected from myself. I'm finding again and again how hollow ideas of 'personality' are - we all seem messy as.... (on some pause and thought) rhizomes*, mushrooming onward endlessly in every direction, connected to each other in all ways, even the unexpected ones. I am what I think I am, and also everything I think I'm not. You are what you are to me. It's all built on mirrors & the mirrors keep flooding mercury

Sorry I slipped into something else. Something other. I'm floating and spinning, but it's done after a day of tangible work, some of the silly busy-work, all chores of daily living that I must perform, that I am trying to find joy and patience and newness in. So much of growing and so much of learning is just about turning, turning inwards sometimes and outwards sometimes, balancing silence with all the chaos a well-lived life comprises of. Thanks for reading this little note if you migrated here from my Instagram, am trying to find other ways of connecting and looking inward/outward without having to be an endless part of the scrolling-greedy-eyes-bottomless-belly monster that instagram/facebook can be. Shoot me a note if u find words here that you like, email me if you'd like to share your words with me⚡

*from A Thousand Plateaus by Deleuze and Guattari 

september now

time for all the work to begin. yesterday while trying
to hang up tangled wires i slipped a metal disc
too close to my soft index-finger-skin
and sliced right through the white first layer
to inside, wherever it is that blood comes from.

i survived. i survived, but it was frightening,
to suddenly not be a whole body anymore,
to be shaky hands and veins pumping blood
gathering under the skin, pulsing, darkening
while trying to heal, a little raised finger-flap.

it is september now and time for stability.
i am getting used to some of the growth
and it feels less alien to be my own 
unwhole self, somebody who lives
in a place which will turn bloody soon
when the fall leaves come, will survive,
will survive even this year, this blood.