sleepwords

I wake at 4, or else

have not slept at all. 

I do not disturb the bathroom dark,

I pee and scratch in dimness. 

Back in bed I coax

this body of mine

to relax. There is an aching leg

I must carry through this night.

I have been here before, will be

here again. Sometimes still

the aloneness makes me panic,

makes me uncertain, reckless.

What is it I believe in? All words

muddled without light or love.

Through is the only direction

to go. I dream of the sea, of jokes, of friends,

of sleek playful dolphins in the dapple of waves.

current attempts

 i have been trying

to find long stable

peaceful roadways 

clean thru 

the marrow

of my days

*

i saw a place once (a moment)

that went on for miles of days

storm skies gentle wavering canvas 

layers peeled to peer at the dream of time

technicolor lilypad geometry lakelevel

my body opened up like a clamshell

stuffed with undersea purplish crystal

and the knowledge that if this

were true, then this was

truth: pleasure. cycles. transcendence

it made me want more

from me, my little body

vase for a little spirit-thing

vase for a cosmos        alive

so i have been working

on my headstands, my pull-ups,

my meditation-mind, my water 

drinking, my spine, my roots.

*

daily life 

never forms

into a gorged crystal

always tatters remain

always remnants

*

but more has been crystallizing

than ever before

my heart open so wide 

my fingers reach all the way

to the ocean

from inside

*

i hold A's black watch in my hand

like a hand

and realize it will mistake my pulse for his

my life for ours

i held both A and S's hands today

as my heart spilled again

& every 

intentional 

moment alone 

has been a little gem

*

i must gather, gather,

pause

let go of some

keep what stays

make what i can make

shape what i may shape