11: step

by step

maybe life is changing

despite everything anyway

most moments have been

fleeting away even as I was in them

most weeks have been

the texture of cold-cereal-sludge 

passing down the throat easy but

mostly unpleasant 

sometimes to pause the step

and turn briefly around

can be such a gift: maybe time

passed and was not only pain

maybe everything is changing

slow leaf unfurling 

maybe this is what it is

to know patience, watching for

the slow glow rather than 

the quick light and sound 

in this step I'd like to breathe

deep and fill up my lungs far as

they go all flappy chest and air

maybe tonight I'll go to sleep

feeling glad

who knows tomorrow I might

wake and feel a slow glow

10: faith

this will not work
this hiding away

take three deep breaths to remind
your body that you are safe

allow the eyelids to droop
allow the shoulders to curl

remember the flake of the dark
soft blue blanket against your skin

ashamed or not, here you are
another day, you survived

this is where faith is required
when faced with the bowl of night

do you pour in your hopes
can you truly assume
that tomorrow will be clean
as air, that everything heavy
will pass into the earth
when your body
is willing to rest?

9: things i must change

some days my life 

feels like the news:

all general disaster

chaos at a turn

nothing that i can 

control

but even just that

you see? the first thing

i'll change 

when i can

is this: i'll stop trying

to make it all

make sense

i'll stop trying to control

*

but i circle around and

again return: should i not

be able to master

myself

better than this, a lion 

that paws, a dog that

smears rugs and barks

at the kids? what sort 

of weak person-tamer 

am i, what sort

of lowly will?

*

so change the self

but do not pretend

that the life of the self

is yours to mend

it's a car you drive

but its limbs extend yours

and, despite caution, it

sometimes explodes?

*

if i'm the one

that tames, and i

refuse this taming,

then do i still

eventually win?

in the sense of a

beast that accidentally eats

its own poor, unwise flesh?

8: grace

not much feels currently
graced with grace
not much feels
ready to bloom

not much has stuck by
when i tried to hold on
not much remains
sturdy and true

but there was something
almost a music
even when the moon
slicked away

there was a low humming
an alien buzz
even in the dark
and deep pools

sometimes just a friend
asking about
sometimes a meal
surprisingly good

often the sun when it
peers through clouds
makes a day easier
to get by

most often i know
it's the oldest of all
lights that have
followed me down

the self making wisdom
inside of a pen
that scratches when paper
is unrolled

here there is something
i can only call
grace
even when all brightness
fails

something forgiving
that goes on growing
even when i
look away

7: say no to yourself

go on. can you
do it? have you ever
been able? did somebody
forget to teach you
this, do all the others
know how? are you
somewhere broken?

how will you learn?

6: slippery

poetry is slippery
perhaps the slipperiest
slope on which
to attempt a
political stance

political stances
that change the world
must be sturdy
unambiguous
even ambitious

poetry, poor fool,
cannot help but look
many ways at once

how it focuses
on irrelevant details
the snatch of light
on a cactus arm
the dust that floats
like minor stars

poetry is a houseplant
that blooms perhaps best
in the muddiest, most
complex soil

if you give poetry
one answer
she huffs
she turns
whips out another word
from behind your ear
like a coin, and you
are stunned like a child
who did not know
magic once

yet i keep trying to say
something that isn't about
the trees
in words, something that
hurts and narrows eyes
and sometimes yells

how do i give her
space here?

5: what not to think about

i try not to think about
what i shouldn't
think about. it is, as expected,
hard. the mind spins and reels
towards what you try to keep
hidden. don't go there, you say,
and you've already wandered
thick in the bushes, you find
yourself opening pictures from
months ago and thinking, again,
of what it means to be alone --
is it that nobody will know
if i stay in this bed for weeks?
is it true that nobody will now
care? and why should they, right,
especially if you're such a --
and there we go, the mind spirals
onwards, dips its heavy limbs
into the very mud we shouldn't
touch. and how to stay away --

without realising, weeks later,
that everything you blocked
has been sitting in your throat
like an ugly ball, an expanding
thing, all sticky and unfortunately
explosive. perhaps it's like the
second fermentation of my kombucha,
'burping' the bad feelings briefly
in order to protect one's kitchen
from shattered glass and blood.

there's so much badness one
mustn't think about it. it jumps
from object to object. yes there are
people dying, the numbers skyrocket
but -- i must shut this tab! i must
stop watching. part of my fried egg
remains unfried, and i cringe at the
gooey, transparent fluid on my plate,
suddenly made aware that this is
pre-flesh, a body that didn't become,
and here i am, about to slurp
its insides down my gullet -- i can't,
and i leave some food unfinished,
but still can't tell how to balance
my brain in a way that's functional
but kind, how to forgive myself
but also keep pushing, how to, how to...

4: company

am here, alone, mostly in
this little room. sometimes memory
tumbles out of me and leaves me
cold and heaving, tight-knuckles
on thighs, the weeping escaping
despite my best tries. memory
knows what i have lost: the sky-deep
laughs, the ankles entwined, the slight
smile that would deepen his smile-lines.
memory knows there was truth in my
arms, but still time tumbled recklessly
on. here we are now, apart, and me
here alone. memory kicks me down,
but agh! i'll fight back! my mama made
a fighter of me. when memory eases
out my back, i tend to all my company:

my kombucha slowly fermenting, little
threads of life, the bubbles quiet rising.
my plants are not dead -- each day i count
a new root break through into water, a new
bud emerging from a green arm or leg,
a leaf midway there, half-furled, so tender.
when i sweep, i see new dust gathered.
life shuffles forward. i make light tea
and go on living. there is good company
here, i must stop saying the word alone.

3: recklessly

trying to be better with

being slow

being quiet

being empty

there is recklessness in me but i am
trying to deep breathe and step each step
with a little more caution, a watching
of the path, awareness of my
slippery feet. i am walking
through the woods though, walking
onward and on, even when days
grow monstrous and long, even when
the body is tangled and sad. i am
walking on, and then, even after
the hardest turns, there is sudden

clarity, the sky deepening into its
darkest blues, the horizon still
pale, the first star so quiet and
still. i sip on tea and remember
to untense my tense shoulders.

time will gurgle onwards, always
reckless with me. i am bending,
folding, finding space to be.

2: wanting

the cacti point their thin fingers outwards
and i have nothing to say, nothing new
that could help. every day i think i cry more
than all the days before. when i am cheery i say:
look, isn't it glorious that one can love this hard,
this large? that your chest can be unscrewed, opened
up, emptied even of air? isn't it magical to be here,
a person, to be able to give your whole self
away, like a trinket, a throwaway present? and when
the aching hits me again, i shudder, clasp at thighs,
feel a great pile of burning begin inside of me:
i want i want i want, i want what i had and i want
what i want; and if not that, if it is impossible
to feed my desire, then at least rip it away from me,
do not leave me here thirsting, alone. either i should
receive, or i should cease to want. why could my skin
not be thicker, my feet more sturdy on ground?
why could i not, instead, have taped up my chest
instead of unfolding it, why couldn't i instead
secure my singular self? at least i know
i could not have known. at least this journey
led to some new lighting, a portion of sky
i could not have seen before. maybe there will be
more. maybe the wanting will wilt away. maybe
i will rise, unthirsty, undemanding, and toss
my head away if i meet him in the street.
who ever knows what will come. i did not see
it all, could not have told you how the days
would pile and spill, would make what they made.