Back on Track

I'm a little hypocritical,

A little insane, sometimes tough.

I either talk too much, too loud,

Or else I don't say quite enough.

Arrogance or pride?

There's a very fine line.

I've never learnt to skip over it,

I get lost easy, time after time.

I need to get back on track,

it's just something I need to do.

I try to keep my verse short and crisp,

But I trip over the laces of my very own shoe.

I don't know what I want to say,

But I want to say it eloquently.

I should take it step by step,

Instead of killing myself gently.

I need to get back on track,

Do some searching of the made-up soul.

I'm just a sum of my individual peculiarities,

I'm just another seeker, yet another fool.

I don't trust the world one bit,

But I trust it'll all work out just fine.

Without the bright lights, the sweating,

On my own, I'll manage to shine.

I'm not right, I know it,

But a child can dream, can't she?

Today I'm answerable, I'm here,

Tomorrow I'll be gone, I'll be free.

Nothing happens of its own accord,

But there's the catch; some things do.

I believed it was either black or white,

Now I see there's no lies, and nothing true.

I need to get back on track,

And I swear I know I should.

If I knew where that track was,

I'd get back there, I would.

Glass Half Full

I look carefully, just like you,

But I don't see what you say you do.

You tell me the glass is so full,

You say it's more than enough.

Why can't I see the same?

Why is it so tough?

All I see is the emptiness,

I see what could have been.

You shrug at me, you say,

I'll see what you have seen.

Time goes by and seasons pass,

Our previous meeting was not our last.

Life's been good, say I to you,

You've changed, I see, so have I.

I tell you to see the beauty,

But you don't look me in the eye.

I can see the beauty in the glass half full,

I don't see the emptiness of that day.

You sigh and ask why it's so empty,

I smile, tell you you'll see again,

Someday.

Free Falling

This obsession,

depression,

free falling in my tummy-

they call it love.

Absolution,

procrastination,

I can't decide whether to cry or laugh.

Are you for real?

Is this for real?

Is this how I'm supposed to feel?

I have no experience,

in matters of the heart.

I have no experience,

on how to let go, how to part.

They tell me everybody is pretentious; it's true,

I am too.

They tell me everybody lies; why, it's true,

I do too.

I lie for breakfast, lunch and dinner,

I don't care if I win, but everyone loves a winner.

The walrus in my heart is growing big,

The time has come, says he to me,

To talk of many things.

But I like to skirt awkward terrain,

I quite doubt my tolerance for pain;

It's easier to stay off solid ground, to float,

Oh, if only I weren't at the mercy of the boat.

Don't leave me stranded, pass me a hint -

If only I could control the wind.

Free falling through time and space,

All I was searching for was your face.

There's a sea of people,

And they never stop moving.

Constant flashes of light hit my face,

Feels like you left, without a trace.

But were you ever there?

Did I really cry?

Or is it just another lie?

I'm proficient with lies now,

I don't doubt their strength.

Yet sometimes I wonder,

Between teardrops and thunder,

If I should have been truthful,

And kind and unselfish.

It's okay, I won't think,

I'm good with stalling.

(What I'm better at is free falling.)

Lover By Choice

Fifteen years old and handsome by grace,

With a lack of wits to match his shining face.

Confidence brimming over in his loud voice,

Our hero was a student by profession; a lover by choice.

His perilous journey started at the tender age of four,

When going to school seemed to be quite a chore.

That is, till he noticed his very first girl,

Freckled and bold with a mop of fair curls.

He told her he loved her, his face quite grave,

But she dismissed him with a cavalier wave,

He didn't cry, though his head did ache.

Was this like the movies, real heartbreak?

He felt older beyond his years, but she didn't care,

And though she was lost soon, he never forgot her hair.

Not long after, when he graduated to kindergarten,

A lovely little lady visited his solitary playgarden.

She had on a little frock, her cheeks delightfully rosy,

He invited her to come sit, and please do be cosy;

But, as it transpired, she came not for tea,

But to throw a handful of mud at young master Humphrey.

That was the name of our yet-young and heartbroken boy;

A student by profession, a lover by choice.

He had not a sister, and craved the company of females,

But in the following years, he became quite used to dismally fail.

Some say this lies rooted in the fact,

That he possessed absolutely no tact,

Near a lady the poor bastard cannot control his tongue;

Perhaps he started looking for love quite a bit too young.

Some almost-conquests stand out from the dismal pack:

The bright eyed girl in sixth grade, broke his pencilbox with a loud 'crack',

The pretty eighth grader who harmlessly flirted,

Seeing his seriousness she wordlessly skirted.

Yes, our protagonist suffered many a heartbreak,

He listened well, bought red roses, and on occasion baked a cake.

He didn't like fighting, or other manly stupid games,

He never fit in with the other boys, and it was such a shame.

He would be a good husband, he was sure of it,

He would be a good father, and command by gentle wit.

Why, then, did he dissipate girls so?

I do not think we shall ever know.

“Perhaps”, he sighed, in his sixteenth year,

“I am meant not be loved”, and he shed a solitary tear.

He didn't end up celibate, renouncing romance,

He didn't end up gay, and it wasn't by chance.

He was sixteen years old and searching for love,

And right then, somebody gave him a gentle shove.

“Don't cry! Crying is for a wuss.

Man up, buddy, don't be a puss.”

He turned around and faced a young girl,

Dressed in baggy clothes, her hair without a curl,

At first he was disenchanted.

“You're no lady!”, he ranted.

She gave him a frown for his troubles and a kick in the shin,

And never gave him a chance to see her trembling chin.

“You're a sexist jerk, and you stereotype,

You think only girly girls are real girls, oh, I know your type.

Well, mister, I can give you a run for your money,

I can play soccer and crack jokes that are actually funny.

I listen to music, the real kind, and I'm kind and witty.

I don't wear skirts, so you think I aren't pretty,

But, mister-” She said in a rush, in an angry huff,

And whipped off her glasses and band in a puff.

Her eyes shone in the fading light,

Dark, intelligent and bright.

Also rather angry just now,

And wouldn't stop to let him wow.

Her hair were straight but raven-black,

And she noticed his awed look before her next attack.

My goodness, he said to himself in surprise,

She saw his open mouth and gazing eyes,

And spared him a small smile,

(He noticed her perfect teeth, meanwhile)

And arranged her features in a scowl again,

Moving on to awkward terrain.

“Beauty isn't skin-deep, you ignorant little jerk,

Think better next time, now goodbye – I have work.”

He stared at her retreating back,

Shamefully not following her track.

She's a beauty, he mused, but not to my taste,

She's loud and violent and she got no grace -

I'd love her to be my buddy though, we'd get along swell,

And, smiling a little, he went away as well.

Ah, irony, and it graced us yet again,

Many a fellow reminisced and laughed, when

Humphrey and Alex said their vows,

They've been happily married for quite a bit now.

It matters not, I suppose, curly hair and rosy cheeks,

Good looks that make a guy go weak,

At the end, all our hero did need,

A lady who would love him and take the lead.

“Love prevails!”, our protagonist would cry out,

“Goodwill and common sense!”, dear Alex would shout.

With a kiss she'd mute out poor Humphrey's voice,

Now not a student by profession, but always a lover by choice.

Christmas Eve

The little girl looks out the window,

Is Santa late? She wonders.

It seems like everybody is asleep,

Have they forgotten Christmas eve?

But the fat little man,

With the shiny reindeers.

He cannot possibly ditch her.

She waited a year, and now that its here,

He can't possibly bewitch her.

She was a good girl, she tried so hard.

She was kind and giving,

And good of heart.

But life is more complicated that that,

And she fumes in her room.

"He forgot me!", says she,

"Bloody unfaithful Santa."

She left the cookies and the milk,

She baked a gingerbread man.

The Christmas tree is beautifully lit,

Borrowed holly wreaths from gran.

She had never tried so hard for Christmas,

She had never wanted gifts.

But she never underestimated Santa,

Never caused any rifts.

And today she needed him,

She'd been praying for days.

"All I want for Christmas this time,

And mind you its not much.

All I want for Christmas is him,

Don't let me down as such."

But life isn't so easy,

And when it was 1.

She took down the stockings,

And waited for the sun.

She never really expected a call,

She never thought Santa would come around.

But first thing in the morning,

With fresh dewdrops on the ground.

He's waiting at the door,

With a little christmas gift.

"I told Santa all I wanted was you"

He said, "But he never came around."

She smiled and said, "I'm glad you did,

Santa can never be found."

But she didn't believe it,

And thanked him that night.

Santa couldn't make it that time,

But Christmas magic makes it alright.

Voices

He sat on the ledge of the bridge, his head in his hands. Cars passed behind him, zooming in blinding flashes of light and speed and silence. In front of him, for as long as he could see, was a dark and swirling mass of water, rising, and falling, and reflecting every glimmer on the horizon. The buildings were everywhere, it seemed, looming over the city like grim tombs of gray and black. The man just stood there, unsmiling and tense. He saw it all, he took it in; the city, the lights, the people, and the cars. He had loved this city since he was seven, and it suited him just fine, the bustle and the traffic and the lights. But it was incomplete to him – incomplete without the shouting people, and honking cars, and the splash of water against the concrete. It had been incomplete for a year now, and today, he decided, today he couldn't take it anymore.

One year ago, he was in a car crash. It was bloody, and expensive, and tough for everybody involved. But he was left with scars that he couldn't erase by forgiveness.

He longed to hear it again, the city where he grew up, the music of the cars and the people and the backdrop of water; trickling, swirling, crashing, and splashing. He longed to hear the voice of his son, who had just turned four, and couldn't understand why his daddy wouldn't listen to him anymore. His wife, whose husky voice had become an indelible part of his adult life, her tinkling laughter, her reprimands, the music of her feet as she ran across the wooden floor. He used to call his mother every month, and he could hear it in his head now, her cracking voice, still filled with the enthusiasm and joy of older days.

He never enjoyed listening to music in his younger years. He never developed an ear to good music till he met his wife, who sang softly to him heart-rending renditions of old eastern music. He could hear her voice now, if he concentrated hard enough, he could hear flashes of the conversations they had when they were in college, and he remembered them screaming at each other when they fought. He could almost hear them now, obscenities and sorrows and promises of love, all bundled under his tongue just waiting to be heard.

What is sound? He rolled the word over in his mouth. Sound. Music. Voices. He could feel his tongue moving, and he formed the words painstakingly, but as much as he tried, he couldn't hear himself. Is this it, then? He was talking, he could feel it, and anybody around him would be sure to hear him. But I will talk, he told himself, I will talk. His feet dangled and his hands slipped dangerously as the spray of water hit him.

Okay, he told himself aloud. And a woman walking on the bridge glanced over at him. He could feel their gazes on him, and he could see their lips move as they talked. What were they saying? He thought to himself. Did he say that aloud? He didn't know. Still he talked, saying every word carefully, articulating every sound. For who? He didn't know.

I'm going now, he said. They'll haunt me, these voices, they'll haunt me till I jump. They'll haunt me till the water slowly strangles me, and even then they won't be silent. And he saw the people staring at him, alarmed. Did they think he was mad? Was he mad? The deathly silence settled in his ears again. Maybe I am mad, he decided. Maybe these voices never happened. Maybe it's all my twisted memory, my made-up salvation.

Shakily, he got to his feet. This is it, then, he shouted. He was breathless now, but he shouted. And then in one swift move - was it an accident? - he took one step forward and fell through the air, as limp as a ragdoll, as weightless as a feather. And there were screams, and honking cars, and the immense splash of water as he crashed into the sea, but he did not hear it. He could only hear the voices that took over his head, the voices that he longed to hear again.

I Never Thought

All the people around me, they talk everything out.
They say whatever they feel, all the senseless sentences.
They never feel like they're lying to themselves,
They carry on with meaningless references.
Why can't I do the same?
Why do I consider it inane?
All my values differ so,
I find it hard to explain.
When people always can confide,
Why do I keep it bottled up?
When people dream of fame and wealth,
Why do I consider it beneath myself?
When the explanation is satisfactory to most,
Why do I argue over it?
When people pray and believe,
Why do I fight it so?
Why do I condemn religion,
Why can't I let it go?
When my peers diss culture,
Art of all kinds;
When they listen to music
That I wouldn't want to define,
Why do I try to differ so,
Why do I care about never being stereotyped?
There was a time, not long ago,
I used to be so proud of myself.
I was different and knew it,
I introspected and thought about it.
I was the round peg in the square hole,
Enjoying myself but never quite fitting in.
But now I'm tired, it's all an act.
I've been pretending to be who I'm not.
And now I don't know who I am,
I don't know who I was.
I smile at everybody around,
I make many an easy friend.
People say they love me,
But I know it isn't for who I am.
And what other way is there of being loved?
For love is but an illusion of the mind.
And I've almost stopped believing,
That each friend is there to stay.
For they say it around every time,
But I know they never get me,
They don't understand my rhyme.
They don't get my art, the bubbling ocean in my mind.
Still, I didn't give up on myself,
I stayed the way I wanted to.
And I never thought that one day,
I'd rather not be true.
True to myself, the person I am,
The person I worked hard to be.
I never thought that one day,
I'd hope to be a square peg.
Fitting into every place I'm meant,
Keeping my toes in the line.
Sleeping soundly at night, for once content.
I never thought I'd be sick of myself,
Sick of what I was proud to be.
I'm still young, I really thought,
I had a long way to go.
I wanted to be radical in thought,
Keep perspective in my action,
And never stop dreaming.
But right now I'd give up my pen,
Give up my world of words.
Give up the art I struggled to create,
Give up the callings that defined me.
For what if I were to change that definition,
What if I caged that soul which was free?
I never thought I'd feel this way,
I never quite believed it.
I never before let my soul down so deep,
That it might be tough to retrieve it.
Maybe this is just a phase,
Wishful thinking of my overworked mind.
Soon I'd wake up and be me again,
The me I worked so hard to be.
Maybe all this never happened,
Because I find it tough to believe.
I never ever thought that one day,
I'd want to be someone who was never me.
I never thought I'd mold myself,
According to what people want me to be.

Love

I'm a teen in these crazy times,

And I've seen a lot, felt a lot.

The couples in the forgotten parks,

The friends on the roads.

The lovers in forlorn car-parks,

The smiles and the notes.

All the teasing and the crying,

The laughing and admitting.

We take love right in our stride,

We're teens in these crazy times.

But think back now,

What do we know?

What is love in our minds,

In these complicated times?

Maybe I know affection,

Attraction and perfection.

But the relationships around me,

Aren't all they're hyped to be.

Is love the secret chocolates,

The pictures clicked together?

Is it the midnight texts,

The perfect romantic weather?

Sitting together in recess,

Sure takes a lot of guts.

Why don't we just chat, baby?

Facebook is made for us.

I'm a teen in these crazy times,

But I've thought a lot.

I once saw a couple on the hillsides,

Their wrinkled hands around each other.

Being there for one another,

Through the ups and downs.

Staying together for as long as they remember,

Spanning decades of affection.

Friendship lasting half a century,

That doesn't seem like attraction.

If there ever was an emotion called love,

I think I saw it today.

I read an article long ago;

Animals that mate for life.

Maybe they're not as evolved,

Maybe they can't express.

But what an uncomplicated relationship process!

No divorce and lawyers, if you do it wrong.

Nature says you stay together,

Tough to go far wrong.

I think the smell of earth,

After the first rain.

The sun slowly and gracefully,

Dipping yet again.

When I look into the waters deep,

And see just blue.

I think thats love right there,

There's love in a nutshell for you.

It doesn't have to be a prince,

There's no armor needed.

A white horse is reserved for weddings,

And should be well treated.

Its the age of reality,

Fairytales are fading.

It doesn't have to be perfect,

Like you read in the stories,

Like you saw in the films,

And heard in the songs.

If it makes you feel special,

Then its love all along.

If something makes you happy,

Satisfied and more.

Glad to be on the earth today,

Then never let it go.

It doesn't have to be a prince,

Who rules over my heart.

Doesn't have to be a perfect boy,

A perfect superstar.

If it makes you feel special,

Then its love all along.

I'm not naive anymore,

I know whats real now.

It doesn't have to be forever,

It should make me happy for now.

Gone is the age,

When I could believe.

But how can I let them go?

My dreams stored up within.

I'm a teen in these crazy times,

I've seen a lot, felt a lot.

But sometimes things go unseen,

And appear to be what they're not.

It doesn't have to be forever,

It just has to be for now.

And what I thought turned out be,

Something I didn't see.

If it makes you feel special,

Then its love all along.

I just wish that someday,

I understand the songs.

Some day figure out;

I see what love was about.

If it was all it was hyped to be,

Or if I was right when I thought

It was just a useless necessity.

Blind

I look through the open window,


I look, but I do not see.


I hear the heavy raindrops above my head,


And I imagine what the Braille would read,


If the rain were strong enough to dent a roof;


I wish it were.


I hear a bird chirp; a sharp, clear sound,


And I wonder who its singing for.


I smell the pine needles and the blossoms around,


I taste the air cool air on my tongue.


And I feel the gale,


Blowing against the window,


Blowing the rain against me.


Then I hear the gate creak,


And the crunch of the autumn leaves,


As strong feet walk over them.


So I ease shut the window,


And I sit down again.


Waiting for father to come and ask,


In a tone of despair, if I am well.


Waiting for him to hand over my food,


And turn away as fast as he came.


I sigh and I wait.


I hear the flapping of wings,


Right outside my window and I wonder,


If I tried hard enough, could I fly?


Could I fly away from my dark world?


Into a place where I,


Like everyone around, could see.


See the beauty and the darkness,


Of the world around me.

The Bullets of Jallianwala Bagh

It was the day of Baisakhi. The harvest had been decent, but this was not how I would like to celebrate a normal Baisakhi day. But, then again, what in our life was normal anymore?

Since these Firangis entered into Hindustan they took our wealth, our people and our dignity. And now it was time for us to fight back. How much time could we bear the insults any longer? We, in Amritsar, had been hearing so much about the people in India fighting the British.

It was just a matter of time before we Sikhs took a stand. As much as it went against our desire, we couldn’t fight them. Not yet. These rascals had to be fought with strategy, focus and strength of numbers, not with love as the Mahatma willed us to do, or even brawn, like we wanted to. So we had to go step by step, for we couldn’t take a chance. This was about our life, our family and our country.

But now they had crossed all limits. I heard about it from the old gossips under the large Peepal tree. Something called The Rowlatt Act. Now these Firangis were giving themselves the power to just eliminate us- kill us or imprison us- without even a trial. So we decided. On the day of Baisakhi, the thirteenth of April, we too would take a stand.

On the day of Baisakhi, I woke at 4 in the morning, to pray that this day makes a change. I went to the Gurdwara early and even went to the temple with the daily crowd. I took no afternoon nap and by 3 I was wearing my most expensive kurta and my turban was neat and well made. Then I sat on the verandah and waited. My wife and 3 children were ready. As I waited, I got a slight twinge and wondered if it was safe enough to take them. I asked them again and again, but they were adamant. After all, it was going to bring a change to Amritsar, and besides, the neighbors children and wife were going, so why couldn’t they? I couldn’t argue with that, so I agreed.

The streets were full and people were walking proudly on the crumbling streets, all heading to the Jallianwala Bagh, the place to be today. My family reached and I took my place near the makeshift stage while the children ran around and my wife sat gossiping with her sister. Before the speeches started, I crept up on stage just to look around. The sheer amount of people all around just shocked me. Every one of them was a different, unique person, but they all blended in to form a huge crowd, united and courageous. Looking at all these people, full of hope for the future, filled my heart with a giddy joy and sense of pride.

Then the speeches started. I walked slowly down the stage and seated myself. The speeches touched me even more, beautifully written and wonderfully spoken. Soon I was feeling such love for my country, that I could have sacrificed my self without a second thought today, just for my nation.

How was I to know, I really would have to do that, and for no fault of mine.

Before we could take in what was happening, gunshots were heard. The woman next to me shrieked in agony as a terrible bullet hit her spot on the heart. A slow terror filled over me and I could feel nothing more. It was if the world was stopping, as I saw the tanks and the soldiers positioned along the sides of the Jallianwala Bagh, and I could hear only muffled voices and sounds, as gunshots zoomed near a hairs breadth of me.

Then I got slight more control over myself and I turned round immediately and looked for my wife of ten years, Sarla, as well as my children. That was when I saw the true extent of what was going on, and instead of the slow, vile feeling seeping down my back, now I felt real, quick, blinding terror. People were being killed, no, murdered all around. The gunshots were flying high and dry and I saw tens of people throwing themselves in the tiny well to save their miserable skins.

I saw my youngest son, Soham, fallen on the ground, a small trickle of blood seeping down his forehead, his unseeing eyes staring into space. I guess that was what jolted me into reality. Till then, I had been seeing the tyranny around me in a detached manner, as a third person. Now I really looked and then ran, picked up Soham gently and then saw the deep wound on his scalp. I hugged him wordlessly and my tears mixed with his blood. I was confused, agitated, and unsure of myself. I suddenly felt like a three-year-old again, completely helpless, while my family was being murdered in cold blood right under my nose. My eyesight was blurry and my hands were full of blood. I took Soham and ran. I just ran, with nowhere to go, as if I could flee from this terror.

Then I glanced towards the well. My son slipped from my arms and I barely noticed, as I saw my wife, Sarla hold our tiny daughter and prepare herself to jump down the well, with barely a chance to survive or even be found again. Her face was wet with tears and her hands were bloody, like mine. That was when I gave up. Sarla was the bravest person I knew, or would ever know. If she gave up, I had no chance in this mess. If I did survive from here, I wouldn’t be able to live a full life without her or the kids, ever again.

So I gave up. I walked slowly and silently, unlike the hordes screaming bloody murder around me, not that the analogy was incorrect here. I reached the very middle of the field, where I could see the British soldiers along the walls, with their tanks and ammo and equipment to make sure we all died. I wondered what had we done now? A few people gather and talk, no this was a crime? I pitied myself a lot right there, but I pitied my wonderful country even more. They were murdering India. They were poisoning her, slowly but steadily.

I could hear my heart beating. I looked around, wondering, from which direction would the deadly bullet come? Would it strike me dead straight away, or would I be made to suffer even more? Sure enough the bullet, whizzing past the heads of so many, came. It could have hit me in the head and ended this now-miserable existence, but so afraid of the end was I, that I dodged it easily, and the woman behind me was shot to the ground.

I felt deep disgust for myself just then. With nothing to live for, why was I dodging death?

I took a deep breath and walked slowly to the well, hoping that a bullet would hit me halfway and I wouldn’t have to go to such heights just to kill myself, but, as my luck would have had it, I walked the whole length of my beloved Jallianwala Bagh, seeing the lives being taken all around, without a bullet coming anywhere near me. Then I reached the well. I was angry and I was sad, and more upset than I had ever been, not a brilliant combination for the time when I had to make the decision of my life. Adrenalin was pumping through my veins, giving me no time for wise thought.

I went through my options. Simple enough. One, die. Two, live an empty life. The only problem was deciding which was worse. Then I heard a shrill scream. My other daughter was shot to the ground, clutching her neck where the bullet was embedded. I took my decision in a split second then.

I had to tackle with the tens of people who took the same decision just to get close to the well. Then I looked down, which was obviously a bad step. I could see the mangled bodies, nameless and unrecognizable, stuffed down the well like rag dolls. My throat was constricted and my head was throbbing, but I couldn’t wait any longer for the longest jump of my life. I took a step forward, all the while thinking, what was it about these people that they could take over us so easily and utterly?

What was it about us Indians that we could give in without a fight; let these foreigners take over us like we were puppets? If some idiots came together and somehow did put up a fight, then our lack of unity sealed our violent defeat. I could only hope that in the future, there would be more like Gandhi, whom I had heard wonderful things about. I could only hope that our children would take this country where it deserved to go. I could only hope that one day we would be able to fight off imperial rule and live for ourselves and each other. I could only hope…

As I took the last step toward my destiny, pain and a sense of despair and anger suffocating me, I silently prayed to God for India, to let her take control of herself once again. I murmured words of many jumbled prayers and beseeched Him endlessly.

God, oh please, it’s too late for me now, but don’t let it be so for them all. I saw my wife and children dying; please don’t let them all suffer like us. We were at the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the right thing, but no matter, protect the rest. We were here because we loved India, what wrong did we do? There are going to be so many like us, trying to free India from tyranny and hate, for I trust you enough that we will not lose hope. Just bless me through my agony, and bless India forever. That is all I ask of you. Never let the spirit of India die, like you let so many of us die here.

My prayers done, I looked no more. I ran and I jumped, and was soon stifled under the bodies of so many more, and soon I could see nothing but darkness. It was over for me, already. I could just hope India would last longer than me.